Aha... yes, a very worthy topic; annoying customers. Let’s get right into it, shall we? I think, as a fun exercise for stress relief, I will write my grievances in the form of a letter to certain idiots that frequent my store (I maybe apologize if you're one of those idiots).
Dear Jerk # 1,
You are a very arrogant and annoying woman. Don't discuss your political viewpoints with me on gay marriage and same sex fucking. If you chose a movie that just happened to have gay sex in it, it is not my fault. No you can’t have your money back nor exchange it for a copy of something “more tasteful”. Furthermore, I do not care if you do not want to talk to your son anymore because he's gay and you are a homo-hater. However, I would love to have his number, as I happen to have many fabulous men in my life who would be very interested in your "fag of a son".
P.S You always return your movies late. Maybe you should learn to accept homos. This would extract some more of your free time away from the hating and you can get your movies in on time.
Dear Jerk # 1,
You are a very arrogant and annoying woman. Don't discuss your political viewpoints with me on gay marriage and same sex fucking. If you chose a movie that just happened to have gay sex in it, it is not my fault. No you can’t have your money back nor exchange it for a copy of something “more tasteful”. Furthermore, I do not care if you do not want to talk to your son anymore because he's gay and you are a homo-hater. However, I would love to have his number, as I happen to have many fabulous men in my life who would be very interested in your "fag of a son".
P.S You always return your movies late. Maybe you should learn to accept homos. This would extract some more of your free time away from the hating and you can get your movies in on time.
Signed,
-That Movie Store Clerk, with the happy-go-fuck-yourself-attitude.
Dear Jerk # 2,
Chew with your fucking mouth closed. Do not smack away at your gum in the middle of a sentence when you bitch at me about how you've seen all the movies in my store. For the love of everything that preserves my sanity, keep your lips together when you chew your gum and especially when you're talking to me. :) Last week, when you came into my store and gave me forty cents in pennies, counting out each one as you CHEWED LIKE A COW, I had visions of submerging the credit card machine into your cranium. Please, for your own safety, stop chewing gum in my store.
On a gentler note, I realise that you seemed slightly offended when I asked you to close your mouth when you chewed. For this, I apologize. However, I asked you nicely and you could have at least had the courtesy to chew like a human being. Instead you gave me a snotty look and chewed mid-ugly snarl. You are gross.
-That Movie Store Clerk, with the happy-go-fuck-yourself-attitude.
Dear Jerk # 2,
Chew with your fucking mouth closed. Do not smack away at your gum in the middle of a sentence when you bitch at me about how you've seen all the movies in my store. For the love of everything that preserves my sanity, keep your lips together when you chew your gum and especially when you're talking to me. :) Last week, when you came into my store and gave me forty cents in pennies, counting out each one as you CHEWED LIKE A COW, I had visions of submerging the credit card machine into your cranium. Please, for your own safety, stop chewing gum in my store.
On a gentler note, I realise that you seemed slightly offended when I asked you to close your mouth when you chewed. For this, I apologize. However, I asked you nicely and you could have at least had the courtesy to chew like a human being. Instead you gave me a snotty look and chewed mid-ugly snarl. You are gross.
Signed,
-My name is not Heather!
Dear Jerk # 3,
You're going to be one fat fucker. Why? Well, in terms of being a complete ass, you take the cake, the whole cake, and nothing but the cake. Not fat free, low-sugar icing cake either. Big, fatty, sugary, mass produced in grocery store bakeries cake. The one that costs like 20 bucks and everyone can only eat a small piece of before they are induced into a sugar coma. You get the whole fucking thing. Shall I list why? I think I shall.
-My name is not Heather!
Dear Jerk # 3,
You're going to be one fat fucker. Why? Well, in terms of being a complete ass, you take the cake, the whole cake, and nothing but the cake. Not fat free, low-sugar icing cake either. Big, fatty, sugary, mass produced in grocery store bakeries cake. The one that costs like 20 bucks and everyone can only eat a small piece of before they are induced into a sugar coma. You get the whole fucking thing. Shall I list why? I think I shall.
Reasons why you are a fat donkey:
You have the cutest dog in the world and you kicked it one time when you were in my store with him. I thought I was going to shit a tsunami in my pants. You kicked a dog. You take the cake in any jerk-haters bakery, my friend. I might even upgrade you to a wedding size.
You called me a brat because I made you put your movies back on the shelf when you told me you decided you didn’t want them anymore. Apparently brats come in fifty-something age too.
When you came in the store last week, you were standing behind a young boy, in line. He had a stutter. He was having an exceptionally tough time talking that day and it took a little longer than usual to get through his transaction. You told him to hurry the hell up because you were in a hurry. Hurry to go where? Need to fill your quota for dogs kicked in a day? Fuck you.
Lastly, when you come in and start talking to me (when I’m clearly busy serving the three people there before you) and make a fit because I’m not paying attention, I tell you to stop talking and wait your turn. Somehow, it looks to me that every time I say this to you, it surprises you. Whoa! Everything’s not revolving around me. How strange!
Signed,
-The girl whose shirt you look down all the time, like she doesn’t notice.
-The girl whose shirt you look down all the time, like she doesn’t notice.
That felt good. I think blogging might be for me. Now, off I go to live my life, until something else blog-worthy comes my way.
In the meantime, here’s some more fun inspiration.
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